Your Best Friend the Hag
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People who visit this site have been inundated with musings about hags, douches and losers. This my friends, is going to hit the ball out the park when it comes to the hag that hits us closest to home. Our bestest, dearest friend.
We all have at least one good friend who constantly whines and complains about her sorry love life, and how many dudes leave her stranded in the middle of the road, dusting up her brand new dress with the dirt they kick up from underneath their squealing tires.
Every week it’s the SAME thing, the FWF guy from the bar, the old booty-call douche, and the ex-boyfriend for a bum that keeps resurfacing like a bad case of hemorrhoids.
She always has some drama to unload and she comes straight to you because you have a big heart and a dry shoulder, and you always give her the benefit of the doubt. Only problem is, she doesn’t take your advice because she keeps repeating the same pattern of idiocy hoping for a change. The only thing that needs changing is her pulling her head out of her rear end.
I’ve lost some friendships because I tell it like it is and a hardheaded hag isn’t going to feel the slightest bit comfortable with you telling her she’s as stupid as they come. In fact, it’s going to hurt like hell. The truth always hurts, like a bullet wound straight to our hearts because no one wants to acknowledge that our most sincerest heartfelt efforts have completely failed. But it needs to be said and if she’s your friend, she’ll swallow her pride and shut the eff up, and maybe let some of it resonate in even the minutest part of her brain.
Maybe you’re the best friend and your girl’s been telling you to get it together, and she hasn’t said all the things you need to hear. Maybe you’re the one who needs your skull rattled some and the crap siphoned out from inside your ears.You just might be the one who needs a lesson or two here.
Either way, here’s where you’re wrong:
· You keep getting drunk and putting out.
You ought to know by the fifth time around that you weren’t setting the world on fire by going to the club, getting snookered and subsequently plowed and not ending up in a relationship. Yet, you do it anyway, over and over again. You play up the skanky card and buy your own drinks, and remain the last hag left standing at the bar come last call.
How could you not expect the creepy 50-year old loser hanging out in the corner not to notice? He’s been eying you all evening and has been waiting patiently for your foolish display of drunken bumbling and impending collapse so he can swoop you and your cakes up over to his place. Ewww.
Stop getting drunk and hanging out in bars. Men don’t go to bars to find a woman to settle down with. They go to bars to find women to screw.
· You keep pressuring the wrong man into commitment.
Sure, the best guy in years comes along and things are going very smoothly. At least you assume they’re going smoothly since you haven’t even taken the time to discuss it with him. You just happily roll with him and with everything he does, and with all your trust blindly vested in his elusive non-expressive behavior concerning your “relationship”.
Then you wake up one morning after the night before, when you decided to ask him “where you stand”. Then poof, he disappears into thin air with your heart and your vag as a mere memory he’s set on auto-erase at 12:01 EST.
Don’t hang out with a guy and sleep with him and expect it to automatically morph into committed relationship. Never make assumptions about where a man stands with you, especially after giving him your vag. AND NEVER make the assumption that your vag is going to suck a man into the vacuum of commitment. Men don’t fall in love with vags, they fall in love with women.
Find out what kind of man he is first. If he ends up being a no-good louse who doesn’t want to be your man, he’ll tell you soon enough. Men NEVER lie about where they stand on commitment if you are totally honest with them and let them know that it’s important to you. He’ll either be ready to fall in love or he’ll be making a dash for the nearest exit.
· You keep wanting to polish up dog crap.
You have some kind of sick bad boy fetish that you are co-dependent on because you believe you have some kind of superhuman power contained in your vag that’ll change a douche into a sweet and caring loving man.
Either that, or you have low self-esteem or a combination of both. You want so desperately for a man to come into your life and be your dream come true that you conjure up useless visions of turning a steaming wet pile into the Prince Charming you can play house with.
The guy’s no good because he leaves you hanging, tells you you’re fat and takes cheap shots at you by bragging about how many women he’s got aside from you. And you think you’re getting closer and closer to landing him, when you couldn’t be further and further away.
Leave the bad boy alone. Bad boys maintain a lifestyle and standard they’ve been practicing for years and he isn’t going to magically change while he has endless opportunities abound. Some men thrive on this and will live their lives as total whores for as long as they can (look at Jack Nicholson). You can’t change that and you can’t change him.
Find a good guy who makes you feel 100% good about yourself. Not some loser douche who makes you feel smaller than what he can fit into the palm of his hand.
· You refuse to move on from the loser that left you high and dry.
You have enough baggage falling out of your rear end to keep you wrapped from here to Doom’s Day, and you can’t let yourself get over the fact that Mr. A$$hat is gone and he’s never coming back. Instead, you want to keep his memory alive as long as you can because his trifling table scraps are the best thing you’ve ever gotten from any man in your life.
Any woman who settles for a man who isn’t worth a damn is a woman who isn’t worth a damn. And any woman who isn’t worth a damn is sure to sit around wasting her life lamenting in crap that serves no purpose but to keep her high and dry and further away from the possibility of actually finding a good man. How can you move forward when you’re hell bent on taking a few steps back?
Stop feeling sorry for yourself and your lousy situation and get over this loser who isn’t spending a single minute of his time sitting around thinking of you. I can promise you, he’s moved on without looking back, so why can’t you?
Have some pride in yourself and look for the courage deep down to believe that you’re worth much more than what he could ever offer you and stop wasting your time punishing yourself.
There are lots of other situations in which your best friend may be getting crapped on. And you’re going to have to have the gonads to tell her. One of my best friends told me exactly what I needed to hear one day totally out of the bright blue sky and it completely changed my life for the better since.
If she really needs to change and somewhere inside she knows it, she’ll take your advice to heart and thank you someday for saving her life.